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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.