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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
I`m having an out of money experience.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.