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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.