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I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.