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When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.