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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
I was born at a very early age.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.