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the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!