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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.