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The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional