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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.