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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Care less and you’ll stress less.
Sex, do it for the kids.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.