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My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.