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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…