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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.