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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
This recliner and I go way back.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.