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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Word for today: Dipshidiot
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.