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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!