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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.