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If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.