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I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.