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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
For Christmas I just want summer...
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.