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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.