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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
You can`t be late until you show up
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats