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No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.