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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.