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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.