Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.