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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?