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I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.