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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.