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There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Don`t waste my timeline.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.