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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.