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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted