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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Hash browns not tags.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."