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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.