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I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness