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They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…