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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!