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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.