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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels