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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.