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Jesus is coming.... look busy
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.