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Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.