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Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.