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"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.