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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...