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I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5