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I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did