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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.