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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook