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Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever