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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.