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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.