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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.