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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?