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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.