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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Dear Santa, I was framed!
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling