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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."