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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...