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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/