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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.