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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Damn your Hott!...........................Freaking Sun! lmao =P
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
Never squat with your spurs on
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.