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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.