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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
“I saw that.” -Karma
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.