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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you