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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5