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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.