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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.