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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.