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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.