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They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.