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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.