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Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.