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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.