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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.