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Iām not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.