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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?