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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.