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I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.