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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.