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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.