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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Life is fun! You should get one.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.