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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.