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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.