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If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work