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Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`