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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.