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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.