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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"