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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.