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I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?