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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.