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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.