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If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Your personality needs alcohol.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...