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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly