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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...