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If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
It`s no fun if you have permission.