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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.