Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke