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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around