😄 Daily Silly Status
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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.