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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
There`s no WE in pizza.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.