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If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.