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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?