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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up